Forgotten
by bobdabuilder0804
Summary: COMPLETE S4 Jack and Audrey. One chapter fic. COMPLETE


Forgotten.

It was still dark outside but the air was brighter, the sun was going to rise soon. The rain which had fallen earlier had been heavy and the streets seemed cleaner, more crisp. Jack almost snorted as another thought swam through his dazed mind, that the rain had washed the evil of the night away. But it wasn't true. The president voted into office was still fighting for his life and the devastation of the other attacks would never go away. The people of America would never forget the name of Marwan, the man who had almost won. Almost. That was, Jack thought again, if hadn't been for himself and his colleagues at CTU.

But the evil would never go away, least not for himself it wouldn't. He was still dazed from what had happened earlier and knew that whenever he looked into the mirror he would see the evil staring right back at him. He had committed actions before which he had struggled to accept, but even he knew that when Paul died he had crossed a line. He wouldn't be allowed to step back over it, he could not live with himself if he pretended everything was fine. It wasn't. Actually, Jack thought tired and angry, unsure of how he should be feeling, everything was a damn sight worse than 'fine.'

Audrey's attention was fixed on the view through the window as the car sped down the deserted roads. People had been advised to stay indoors, given the events they didn't need much persuasion. The driver didn't speak to them, he was a new agent running errands until he became more qualified and comfortable in his position. The silence was deafening, he wanted nothing more than to say something, anything, but he couldn't. When he had slid into the back of the car he'd expected her to join him, they'd agreed they would talk things over rationally when they returned to the hotel. But then she climbed into the passenger seat without giving him a glance, and he felt his heart shatter all over again.

He told himself she was just keeping her distance to compose herself, they would talk or argue in private in their room. It was a conceivable excuse but it still hurt. He wanted to apologise again, even though he'd laid his heart and soul out for her to inspect once. She hadn't liked what she'd seen, but he'd still do it again. They had agreed to make no decisions today involving themselves given the stress they were under. He just hoped she'd be more forgiving after they rested, he didn't know what he would do without her.

Fear crept up through his stomach as he thought about her reaction to Paul's death. It was over, he told himself, that was the only logical conclusion. She wouldn't want to try again with him, she was just humouring him. He tried to accept this to avoid disappointment but he couldn't. He didn't want it to be over, they had too much together to lose it all now. Despite his hopes of there being some future together the fear didn't subside, the waiting made it even worse.

They would talk but he knew the words would be foreign to her. He'd seen the look in her eyes as she had attacked him, a look of pure hatred. How could he ever make things right? She understood how important it was to get the information from Lee and she certainly knew of his remorse of his actions. But she still wouldn't accept him, they were worlds apart.

The way she showed no emotion as the car continued to speed through the roads saddened him further. He'd never seen her so cold, so numb, as though she was completely unaware of anything before. Her movements were stiff and her face remained blank. Was it because she was trying to hold it together until they were alone, or was she suffering from shock?

The thought had never occurred to him until now and he was shocked at his own carelessness. She could be traumatised or in need of mental assistance. Maybe they should go to the hospital instead, he wondered, before dismissing the idea. If he tried to make her do anything she would only be angry. She had her pride and was an independent woman, despite the fact that her father gave her the job; something which made her go out of her way to be stubborn and act alone, sometimes against the best interests. She would do the same now, he thought, but he was still worried.

The car slowed to a stop and the passengers climbed out. Jack watched silently as Audrey rushed to get out before he could open her door for her, it was something he always did. His head dropped slightly and he rubbed his uninjured hand through his hair as he walked through the hotel foyer alone. Audrey was a step in front, her pace quickening, she didn't want to walk with him, that much was obvious. He sighed heavily as he decided to take the stairs rather than share the lift with her. There was no need to make things even worse than they already were, it was clear she wanted to be alone to get her head together.

He climbed the stairs slowly with his head hung and his hands slung into his pockets. His posture illustrated the defeat he was sure would be inevitable. He slowly climbed up to the third floor, not just to give Audrey time to hide from him, but also due to his fatigue. He didn't want to think about the mileage he had covered in the past 24 hours, on top of the few beatings he had taken. He had every right to be exhausted, he thought, as he finally gave in to a yawn as he reached the hotel door.

He knew he didn't have a card to get in so he cautiously tried the door. He didn't know what he would do if it were locked, he wouldn't knock he would leave. He hoped it was open, they agreed to be civil, locking him out wouldn't be very respectful. Relief swamped him as he entered the room but it was replaced with the tenseness of his stomach as he closed the door behind him. There were still more hurdles to overcome yet.

She was sat on the bed staring at him, her face betraying nothing. Jack silently wondered when it was that he could no longer read her. She stood up and quickly moved over to him, standing in his face with a scowl on her face as she thought back the tears. She opened her mouth to speak and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself down, he realised.

"Just tell me why Paul had to die, please just tell me why."

Her voice was high pitched due to the emotion running through it. She opened her eyes and he saw nothing but raw pain. He knew the same would be reflected in his own, he felt like just as much a victim as she was. Only he hadn't had a choice, it had been out of his hands. But she wouldn't understand that…

He looked at her and took a step back, she was so close and it only made him tenser and all the more aware of what it was he was steadily losing. He looked down at the floor as he found he couldn't form any words. How could he? She knew the answer just as well as he did, only she didn't understand it. She hadn't lived his life, he thought, she could never understand. One mans sacrifice for the life of many, that was what it was. He didn't like it but how could he not, knowing millions and millions and lives could be saved? Not to mention to government which was slowly crumbling as the terrorist strikes advanced in intensity.

He closed his eyes before glancing back up at her, his eyes piercing into her, looking through her. This time she looked away and he knew why, she didn't like what she saw, she didn't know the man stood before her. Jack tried to ignore the pain running through him and compound some sort of answer, maybe something to comfort her with, but he couldn't do it. He wouldn't defend his actions to her, it was hard enough justifying them to himself. And they were justified, he told himself sternly, just in a way she could never understand.

He stayed silent and made no effort to move when she turned and walked away from him, closing the bedroom door behind her. He herd the lock click into place and took a deep gasp. How could he stop this from happening, he thought frantically? How could he make her accept his actions for the necessity, when he couldn't forgive himself for what he had done despite knowing he made the right call?

He pulled a small bottle of Southern Comfort from the mini-bar and took a long drink from it, knowing it would help him sleep through this living nightmare. He almost laughed, he could barely stand upright he was so tired, but he knew he'd need help with sleep. How could he rest knowing he was about to lose one of the few people he cared about and trusted? The answer was simple, he couldn't.

He decided to take a quick shower hoping it would relax him, the last thing he needed would be to lose his temper if they spoke again, that would only cement her fears about him. He was quick and had to pull his boxers and white tee back on knowing that his spare cloths were in their room. He could have laughed at the situation, he was tiptoeing around the very place where they had made love together only 24 hours ago. It was absurd, it was ironic, it was heartbreaking.

He sat down in the deep armchair heavily as his head began to ache. He felt around it and felt the lumps on it, from Marwan's men after he had given himself up. He closed his eyes and willed the pain away, he wouldn't be taking pain killers and he certainly could do without it now. His side had been burning since he raided the Chinese Embassy and he didn't want it to keep him awake. He looked down at the soaked bandage wrapped securely around the knife wound on his hand, at least there was no pain from that, he had agreed to let the doctor numb it before stitching it together to lessen the scar he was sure to have. Another symbol of the loss, he thought dejectedly.

He gently leant his sore hand over the stab wound and closed his eyes as he felt their need to close. He was so tired, but he felt it was wrong to sleep before speaking with Audrey first. He had dozed off when she finally came out of the room wearing a long purple nightgown. She saw him sat back in the chair, his head had lolled to the side. She glanced down at his hand and noticed the bandages, she hadn't seen it before. She gently touched his hand and noticed the bit of blood which had come through his tee. He pulled it up slightly and saw the other wound, and began to wonder just what had happened when he had been taken. She didn't want to make the connection between the sacrifice of Paul and himself, she didn't want to change her mind about this.

Jack felt the presence and then the gentle hand tugging at his tee and willed himself to wake up, he had to talk to her. His eyes fluttered open and he apologised as he stood up and began to pace the room so he couldn't fall asleep again. Like before Audrey took the initiative with the conversation. This was going to go how she wanted it to after all, he would have no say in their relationship.

"I didn't realise you were hurt," she said softly, not bothering to add anything else. Jack tried to detect what it was in her voice, not worry but perhaps concern?

"I'm not hurt, its fine."

She smirked the smile that said 'sure we both know that's not the truth' before taking a seat in the chair she had woken him from.

"Jack, I don't know what to say. When I think about what happened, I just get lost. Of course my feelings for you haven't disappeared but, new feelings are present too. I don't know if its right to have a relationship with somebody who can evoke such feelings."

He looked at her quietly and she could see the different emotions running through his eyes. Desperation was filtering through them, the situation was out of his control and he didn't like not being able to take the lead, he didn't like hearing the words she continued to utter.

"What you did today made me incredibly proud. You saved lives and acted selflessly for my father, myself and our country. But you also sacrificed my husband Jack, how can I ever accept that? I loved him Jack, and you killed him. You took him away from me. I know you had no choice but the fact that you could still kill him, it scares me Jack and it makes me sick to think we once had something together."

"That's not me," he cut in bluntly, the pain shining through his voice. He knew it was a lie.

"No but its part of you. A part I can not accept, and I'm sorry for that. When I look a you I see a man I love, a gentle caring and intense man I wanted to spend my life with. But I also know there's somebody else inside, and who knows when he'll next appear. When there's another disaster, when you're involved in the field work, when you're angry… I can't live a life wondering which Jack it is I'm with, and I can't live a life knowing you killed my husband."

Jack stared at her and she saw the change in his eyes. He was no longer helpless, he was angry. After everything he had sacrificed for her and this country and she was going to criticise him for it?

"I know what I did Audrey and nothing will change that." He snapped, his anger getting the better of him. "But just remember this, the only reason you are alive is because I stormed the compound alone and against orders to save you. Your government were going to blow it up, but I still went in, me," he barked, each word produced in a hushed tone as he fought for control over his conflicting emotions. "Then I made a decision which sacrificed Paul, and I'm sorry. But that decision led to the capture of Marwan and the prevention of a nuclear warhead which was headed right at us. If I hadn't done what I did, your husband would still be dead and so would you. I'm just sorry you fail to see that part of the puzzle."

He stepped back and clenched his fist, angry at himself for letting go. He didn't want to defend himself, but he felt he had no choice. He couldn't leave knowing he hadn't fought back, he wouldn't be given abuse for saving her life. There was a line and she was dancing on it, he didn't like it and he let her know it.

"I'm responsible for my actions Audrey," he spoke calmly, "and I don't regret them."

He knew he could say nothing else. Nothing would change her mind, like his own, they both held firm in there opinions. Even though Audrey's accusations were fired blindly, he had to respect her for sticking by her beliefs. That was part of what had drawn him to her in the first place, how strong minded he was.

She glared at him now, unable to say anything else. They both knew it was over - how could she ever forgive him for the death of an innocent when he believed he had done the right thing? It may have saved lives but it was still murder, she could never condone what he had done. Tears had filled her eyes but she refused to let them fall. She turned and stalked to the bedroom, angry at herself and Jack and the events they had been thrown into.

They were both innocent, she knew, and they both loved each other. But after that they had been through, there was no way they could ever be the same again. That didn't stop it from hurting though, she thought as she threw her cloths into her suitcase and hurriedly began to dress. She couldn't stay here with him, because it hurt to see him and what she was leaving behind. She loved him and she didn't like the pain she was causing him too; but it was out of her hands.

She frantically searched the room for everything she would need, now aware in her defeat of the battle not to cry. She sat down on the end of the bed and sobbed loudly as she thought about what was happening, getting ready to leave had only confirmed the future she would spend alone. Without Jack. She was grateful he didn't come in and try to comfort her, she knew her sobs could be herd throughout there small hotel room.

Pulling herself together she called secret serve for a ride to her fathers hotel, she could stay with him. Jack stood still in the room, he had herd Audrey's cries and a part of him wondered why she was doing this. He knew it was stupid, he had forced her to do this, but it still hurt more than he ever thought it could.

Suddenly she appeared at the door and walked into the centre of the room, dropping her case at her feet. "I'm leaving," she said blankly as he continued to stare.

"Kay," he muttered, knowing he could do nothing to stop her. He would only make things worse, hadn't he hurt her enough already?

He knew he was being selfish but he loved her too much to let her walk away.

"I know we said no decisions would be made tonight Jack, but I think we both realise the choice was taken out of our hands when the head of field ops was killed and you were brought into play."

He nodded silently as the image of Ronnie's body laid in the street filtered through his senses. He shook his head to clear it.

"I know Audrey, I understand why this has to happen… But understanding doesn't make it any easier to accept."

"Oh Jack," she said as her eyes welled up again. This time he did go over and he drew her into a lose and uncomfortable hug. It wasn't right, he thought, I shouldn't have to be cautious like this, I shouldn't have to wonder if she'll flinch when I try to touch her.

She didn't flinch but she was tense, having unexpected the contact. She still felt safe in his arms, she thought, doesn't that mean something?

He pulled back once she had calmed down and gently wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked up at him with compassion in her eyes, it truly was over.

"I'm sorry Audrey," he muttered as he fought hold of his own emotions. "I just want you to know how sorry I am that I ruined this." She was about to speak and he held a hand to stop her from doing so. "I never wanted this to happen, even if you and Paul would have got back together, I never would have meant to do this, I didn't have a choice, I had to get Lee-"

She shushed him to stop him, she could see how he was running away with his words as though he could limit the damage.

"I know you didn't mean for this to happen Jack, it wasn't malicious it was an accident. I understand that you had no choice. Please don't blame yourself, this was neither of our faults."

He took a deep breath to control himself before speaking again. "It was my fault, I know what I did, and I know that's why were here," his voce no more than a whisper.

"Jack, it was fate. I don't want to hurt you anymore, but if Paul wasn't dead… There was a chance I would have been leaving with him anyway…" She spoke gently as she awaited his response. She knew this would hurt him but at the same time it would show him that it wasn't his fault they were over.

Jack hung his head as he looked around, chewing on his lip he didn't know what to say. From the start of their relationship he had sworn to never intervene between her and Paul, she didn't want him involved. He didn't want to get involved either, as much as he loved her it was none of his business. He had decided early on that if she wanted a reconciliation with her husband he would step away and let her do it. So now, now he didn't know what to think.

Should he be angrier that she was going to leave him anyway, or feel relief, that it was over before he got to Paul? In truth he felt nothing, he was just as helpless and confused as he was before. This changed nothing, she was still leaving him, only maybe for a different reason. If she left with Paul it would have been for the skills he had shown which she hadn't seen before - like his ability to calmly torture Paul for information. Not it was for murdering a man to save more. No, Jack thought, she was still leaving him for the same reasons, for the traits she had discovered, things he himself thought he had left behind with the drug addiction. He had been wrong, it had all been lingering under the surface just waiting to take over him again.

The room buzzer ran and Audrey shot him an apologetic smile, her ride was here. She was leaving. Would he ever see her or get the chance to speak to her again? He didn't know - would he even be invited back to Washington again, to continue working there? He took a step away allowing her to grab her bag, (he knew not to get it for her,) and she headed towards the door.

As she passed him he grabbed her arm gently and she turned to look at him. He didn't look at her, his eyes stayed fixed on the wall. "I really am sorry," he said before letting go and allowing his eyes to drop to the floor. Audrey stayed still for a moment then moved away, there was nothing else to be said.

The secret service man took her bags for her and Audrey turned to look back at him one last time. Jack smiled at her before slowly crossing the room and going into the bedroom. He heard the door close moments later, she was gone. He waited a minute or two before heading back into the main room and looking around the place, it seemed so empty and cold now she was gone.

He grabbed the bottle of Southern and took the cap off again. "Good luck Audrey," he spoke aloud. "I hope you move on past this and find somebody who you do know and can love." He took a sip of the drink, he really did hope she could move on past this, as he knew he never would. He moved back into the bedroom and slumped back on the bed, the bottle still in place. It was going to be a long night.

END

Please please please review! J


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